egotrip

I feel like I'm marking time, just standing here waiting for that final disease or heart attack or whatever, I have no plan, no objective past trying to live another few years soo Jie doesn't have to face life alone.   That's my only worry.  I picture her trying to figure out what to do when the hot water heater blows it's top or whatever.

Above all I know she knows what to do, so my worry is just silly , still i do.  She is getting really good she can figure stuff out and the only questions she has for me these days is like trying to decipher some slang colloqiallism.  She can get along without me, and thats good. If there is a heaven I think I might make it I havent done anything bad for a very long time.  If i do make it I'll look down and try to help somehow.  I know she will do things differently than i would and thats fine.  It'll work.

I know I think she will try to stay here in this house, best thing she could do is fall in love with somebody, Please God make him be a nice guy, better than me.   She is younger than i was when i fell in love with her.  If she did that she could afford to stay here indefinately, I worry she will work herself to death to stay here at least until Richard dies and then she and Vivian can go together somewhere and buy a place and live together.  I bet they would have fun together,

Anyway except for my heart i'm ok.  Heart is pretty important tho'.  If it quits, whammo !